Dogs on the couch?! Does it really matter?
In short:
Dogs on furniture, sleeping in the bed, etc. is such a controversial topic. Many trainers will say NO to any/all things related to this topic. Personally, I’ve been all over the spectrum on this topic. When Duke and Bera were young I was all for dogs on the couch. I used to think, why even get a dog if you’re not going to let it on the couch?! Fast forward 1-2 years and I started thinking, maybe these trainers are on to something, maybe the dogs shouldn’t be on the couch or in the bed.
But at that time I didn’t know anything else. I didn’t see the value in changing other aspects of how I lived with my dogs. So of course I didn’t like the idea of keeping them off the furniture. I couldn’t see how THAT alone could possibly impact our lives together. (Spoiler alert - it won’t).
After some emotional unpacking and diving into the dog training world I started to believe dogs didn’t belong on the furniture and I was officially conflicted. I saw value in not allowing it but I didn’t feel it was fair to all of a sudden not allow mine… How could I send a clear message when they’ve been allowed on the furniture this whole time?
Full transparency, and a long story short — I never fully committed to “no dogs on the furniture” myself but I’d caution new owners or struggling owners against it until rather recently.
In my almost 6 years of challenging dog ownership, I have circled back to fully allowing dogs on the furniture without any qualms. Are there some dogs that shouldn’t be on the couch? Possibly. Like almost everything in training, I think it depends. However, I’ve found that with even my “problem child,” furniture privileges ultimately don’t have the impact I once thought they did.
The long story:
My former problem child turned wild child: Lucy.
Lucy was feisty from day one. It was actually part of the reason I decided to keep her and not adopt her out– she was a foster. She growled during play and pranced around the house like she was in charge. My other two older dogs, Duke & Bera, seemed to let her do as she pleased and were happy to let her be in charge. She challenged my initial thoughts of the older dogs being the “alphas'' and I quickly learned the pecking order can be different in depending on the situation or the resource, etc.
I thought being vocal in play, not listening when she saw a squirrel, etc. made her a “problem” child, but looking back I just didn’t know dogs came with this much drive. I didn’t know how to get through to her back then. Over time I’ve learned to appreciate the diversity she brings to my life. She is a JOY to work with. She has BIG emotions and fully commits to what she’s doing. She reminds me of myself when I was young. My mom has even told me it’s pay back for me as a kid loll. I was stubborn, scrappy, and determined to be better than the boys in any sport I played. I never backed down from a challenge, and dammit if she doesn’t either. She’s a spitfire and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Looking back I can’t imagine how she felt all the times I tried to coddle and caress her… because I, too, hated that shit.
A little trip down “maybe furniture privileges are bad” memory lane….
As I was getting ready to leave the house one day Lucy was sleeping peacefully on the couch. I was still doing some things wrong, but I WAS crating her when I left the house. So obviously I had to wake her up to get her into the crate. I tried to gently try to scoop her up to move her off the couch and boy what a terrible idea that was. I got a firsthand explanation of why you should “let sleeping dogs lie.” She snapped at me, hard and fast. The snap seemed reflexive, but she also a bit dazed seconds after. This was new territory for me.
This wasn’t the only time she reacted when she was on the couch. She did it another couple times, once at my moms house. These instances were pivotal to the turning point in my training journey. Looking back now I realize how big of a mistake it was to try to physically move her when she was sleeping and do NOT recommend doing so.
This made me consider revoking her couch privileges, and maybe even that I needed to limit access to her toys, and that I needed to withhold affection or make her earn it, etc…
I was perplexed. I thought I had a good relationship with my dogs. They gave me nice eye contact on walks, I trained using their kibble, they had what I thought at the time was good obedience, and a pretty solid recall. I was so confused as to why this was happening. Was it because I allowed Lucy on the couch from a young age?? Was it because she had free access to toys and affection?? Was the couch making her feel like she was in charge??
Reflecting and “next steps”…
Thankfully those isolated events didn’t become a habit. I wish I could give you a play by play of what actionable steps I took to rectify the situation and start resolving our conflict. But the truth is, I can’t remember exactly. And like in most cases of success, it wasn’t linear.
This was probably around that time I started place training and working more on impulse control. I was still just an owner trying to navigate these occasional issues on my own. I stumbled across a trainer online that was big into duration place and structured walks (when the dog walks at your side with limited chances to sniff around). Eventually I did a virtual session with her, and that seemed to spark my interest in learning more about training.
For a good while I focused more of my efforts towards teaching my dogs to be calm on their place beds. I stopped amping them up before walks and car rides, and even stopped our regular outings to the dog park. I even put most of their toys away, but I never fully committed to the no dogs on the couch thing.
Today's thoughts about it all…
Lucy can still be a bit grouchy when she’s tired, and rightfully so. I am not the most pleasant person when I’m tired either. The difference between then and now are these two key factors:
I know not to mess with her when she’s sleeping or laying down/relaxing.
In the rare case I have to cross that line, our relationship and level of communication can handle it.
When I think back to that period of time I take away a few key points:
My relationship was very transactional — you sit, I give you a treat.
My relationship was also very heavy on taking comfort, cuddles, and emotional support more often than giving her an outlet to meet her needs.
I lacked any real rules, specifically regarding things she wanted to do and enjoyed doing.
Lucy was either asleep or ready to rock, and went from 0-100 incredibly quick.
My thoughts on how we function today:
I’ve realized Lucy is much more confident and driven than my other dogs which has challenged me in new ways on our journey.
I prioritize fulfilling her needs specific to being a dog, not my emotional support animal. This means she gets a chance to do the following pretty consistently:
Stretch her legs
Sniff until her little hound heart desires
Hunt when appropriate
Chew, dig, and shred things
PLAY!
We’ve established clear rules in games she loves to play, and we play almost every day, even if it’s only for 5-10 minutes.
I don’t bother her when she’s sleeping (because let’s be real, I hate when people do it to me too).
We have rules regarding the furniture –
If you’re in my spot I’m going to ask you to move, and if you don’t you can rest in a crate in the living room instead. Typically if she doesn’t move, she’s extra tired and when she’s that tired, I don’t want my other dogs disrupting her rest so the crate is actually a good thing, not a punishment. A cranky coonhound isn’t a good time for anyone in the house, lol.
If you’re on the bed, you’re relaxing on the bed. In past years the bed used to initiate a WWE wrestling match anytime more than one dog was in the bedroom.
We’ve worked hard on clarifying our rules and in some cases have used place training to help us get there. I believe diving into play has made the biggest difference for us. Place training was a great bridge to helping guide emotions, but I couldn’t help thinking “how much does my dog LOVE lying on place?” Especially if they’re not getting rewarded? We didn’t have much fun together when we were big into place training. My dogs were listening because they really had no other choice, not because they wanted to. If they didn’t stay put, I’d simply put them back on place, time after time, after time.
Not only has play been great for our relationship, it’s helped my dogs learn how to think and respond appropriately when the stakes and emotions are high. It’s genuinely enjoyable for me too. I feel deeply connected to my dogs when we play, and the impact that’s had our relationship is hard to put into words. Teaching Lucy how to listen when she’s highly aroused (ie, excited) in play mode has helped with her not chasing squirrels, or only chasing them if/when I say she’s allowed, not barking at the cat outside the fence next door, etc.
I’m conflicted saying this because I truly believe every step (and even mis-step) on my training journey has been helpful, meaningful, and necessary – but if I could go back in time I would have spent less time debating furniture rules and I would have started training with play much sooner.
In conclusion it turns out when you focus on a relationship built on play, clear communication, and games with goals and rules your dog understands, you can pretty much let them do whatever they want. To many, it can often look like chaos, but learning how to communicate and control the chaos is what makes it possible. The bottom line is, freedom is my ultimate goal when I work with dogs… and couch/bed privileges are part of that freedom.
